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  1. #1
    150+ Forum Groupie andarlite's Avatar
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    Some Funny Pilot / Flight Attendants Announcements

    West Jet is based in Calgary, Alberta. Its flight attendants are famous for trying to make the in-flight safety lecture and pre-flight announcements more entertaining. Here are recent examples:



    -----------------------

    On a flight featuring a senior crew of attendants, the pilot announced,
    "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude. We'll be
    turning down the lights both for your comfort and to enhance the
    appearance of the cabin crew."

    ------------------------

    On landing, an attendant said, "Please be sure to take all of your
    belongings with you. If you're going to leave anything, make sure it's
    something we'd like to have."

    ------------------------

    "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
    of this airplane."

    -----------------------

    "Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
    the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

    ---------------------------

    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancouver airport, a
    lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

    -------------------------

    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario, a
    flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, "Please take care when
    opening the overhead compartments. After a landing like that,
    everything sure as **** shifted."
    -----------------------

    From a West Jet employee: "Welcome aboard West Jet Flight 245 to
    Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle
    and pull it tight. You'll find that it works just like every other seat
    belt. However, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
    shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

    ---------------------

    "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
    from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
    face. If you're traveling with a small child, secure your mask before
    assisting with theirs. If you're traveling with more than one child,
    pick your favorite."

    -----------------------

    "The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with broken clouds. We'll
    try to have them fixed before we arrive. Remember, nobody loves you or
    your money more than West Jet Airlines."

    ------------------------

    "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an
    emergency landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
    compliments."

    -----------------------

    "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
    Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
    attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

    ---------------------------

    And from the pilot during his welcome message: "West Jet Airlines is
    pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in
    the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

    -----------------------------

    Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton;
    The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
    bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
    the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
    attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

    ------------------------------

    Overheard on a West Jet Airlines flight into Regina on a particularly
    windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really
    having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
    Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina. Please remain
    in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis
    what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

    ------------------------------

    Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
    ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
    terminal."

    ---------------------

    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
    his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
    required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
    exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said
    that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
    passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
    Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
    with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

    "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

    The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

    -------------------

    After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax, the attendant came on
    with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
    Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
    against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
    bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way
    through the wreckage to the terminal."

    -----------------------

    Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
    you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
    insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
    tube, we hope you'll think of West Jet Airways."

    -----------------------

    Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
    to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you
    can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

    -----------------------

    A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg airport. After it reached a
    comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made this announcement.
    "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from
    Winnipeg to Montreal. The weather ahead is good and we should have a
    smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!!"
    Silence followed. Moments later, the captain returned to the radio and
    said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you earlier. While I
    was talking to you, the flight attendant spilled hot coffee on my lap.
    You should see the front of my pants!"
    A passenger yelled, "That's nothing! You should see the back of mine."

    -----------------------


    Regards,
    Henry

  2. #2
    Executive Vice President, MyCockpit


    Matt Olieman's Avatar
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    LMAO, fantastic, thanks for sharing

  3. #3
    2000+ Poster - Never Leaves the Sim Trevor Hale's Avatar
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    After the day I am having at work, that was a real treat. Thanks, I needed that
    ________________________
    Trevor Hale

  4. #4
    150+ Forum Groupie magicaldr's Avatar
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    Many of those have crossed my email before, but never so many together, and that last one had me in stitches. Thanks for uploading, even the 'I hate your flight sim' wife had to laugh out loud at that one


    FSX | Piper Warrior | GoFlight

  5. #5
    Executive Assistant Geremy Britton's Avatar
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    Boeing

    Very Funny particularly liked the forth one!

    If your up for a long joke read on - you have to read it all, to get it


    An engineer and a programmer

    A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

    The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

    The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

    The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

    Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

    The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

    This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

    The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

    Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

    The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

    After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

  6. #6
    1000+ Poster - Fantastic Contributor AndyT's Avatar
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    The last one up top was just too funny and the programmer and engineer was pretty good too.

    *Still laughing*
    God's in command, I'm just the Pilot.
    http://www.geocities.com/andytulenko/

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