A Handy Tool Guide for those new to Cockpit Building

Because cockpit building requires such a vast array of skills and tools I thought I would share some of my personal knowledge and experience in the form of a handy tool guide for those new to cockpit building.

Enjoy!

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make fuselage ribs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the old aircraft parts out of which you want to remove that rare hard to find piece you've been looking for.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering your cockpit frame to the ground after you have installed your dual flight column control cables, trapping the jack handle firmly under the decking.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons from your latest eBay find that are delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl trim panels, liquids in plastic bottles, rare original aircraft operations manuals, eBay refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Absolutely brilliant! You obviously watched me doing workshop practice a few aeons ago :)

--
Bryn

I think he was spying on me working in the shop last night!

Like a lot of good internet humor I can not take credit for the original list. It was sent to me by a friend and was originally written from a home auto mechanics perspective. My contribution was to adapt it to pit building and share the laughs it gave me.

Thanks for sharing. That is funny stuff!

Reid

LIKE IT !!!

Thought I would add this one too;

ARCWELDER / MIG-WELDER: Used for producing INSTANT blindness while trying to position the tool head near to the piece that you wish to weld, just before you raise the eye-shield. Characterised by the sound of crashing metal as you drop the welding head and eye-shield to clutch your eyes with BOTH hands, whilst letting out a cry that was last heard by man in pre-historic times………… AAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!

Regards JP